Anyone who has known me for even a small amount of time will have deduced that I am a Cat Person. It’s not that I don’t like dogs, I’m sure they are charming in their way, but I have always felt an affinity with cats – their cold disdain, love of warm naps and occasional bouts of insanity. I had always assumed that my two cats, Tabbie and Lulu, while disliking one another, had, at least, a passing fondness for me. I labored under this delusion for a long time before I made a disturbing discovery. The other day as I was browsing my computer, I came upon a mysterious file. Tucked among the downloaded PayPal receipts and recipes that I have yet to try, I found the following (maybe a diary entry?) that turned all my notions of feline affection and loyalty on its head. I’m posting this now as a “heads up” for any fellow Cat People still laboring under the delusion that their kitty cats love them.
Early Spring: Mid-Week (I think. The Small Humans have left the building) – Agent #1 (aka “Tabbie” or, oddly, “Strawberry Two”)
It is with much interest that have witnessed a new development in the behavior of the older Female Human – the one named “Mommy”. After sitting at her table, tapping away at the mysterious rectangle that seems to occupy most of her time, she turned to the clear partition that separates myself and #2 from the joys and freedom of Outside, and – get this- opened it!! If I’d had known that she possessed such magic, I would have been on at her earlier! The partition was raised enough to allow access to the sill and all the sights, smells and sounds that I have longed for. It was with great joy that I leapt up, only to be stymied by a transparent mesh wall. What torture was this? I turned what I hoped was my most baleful look upon “Mommy” for an explanation, only to have her mutter some nonsense about my not being trusted to go Out and get Lost. I flicked my tail contemptuously at her and turned my gaze to the Outdoors to plot my escape.
Early Spring: Sometime between my Early Meal and SnackTime – Agent #2 (aka “Lulu” or “Dumbass”)
In order to maintain a general air of discontent, I have taken to hissing loudly at #1 at every opportunity, but especially when she attempts to join me upon the sill of The Portal. This is causing much consternation among the Small Humans who think I am being mean – whatever that is! If it means I get more food, I’m all for it; just call me Meany McCat!
#1 and I are still trying to figure out how to break through the mesh wall. #1 tried to scale it but could not reach the top as a part of the portal was blocking the route. Fiendish Humans! I am, of course, too generously fluffy to scale said wall, so I tried chewing it – alas it was for naught, though it did have an interestingly savory taste.
Speaking of food, the bloody squirrel that throws nuts at the Portal nearest my food dish was Out yesterday, making rude gestures and stuffing his face with nuts. Once #1 figures out how to break through the mesh wall, I will hunt down that varmint and sit on him until he begs for mercy. Then I will rip his stupid smirky head off. Bastard.
Early Spring, etc., etc., – Agent #1 (cont.)
I have deduced that all of the Portals have mesh walls behind them. The Big Male Human complained of a draft to “Mommy”, so with much muttering about him being “a big pansy-ass” she closed the first Portal and opened a second. Once again, my hope of escape was dashed! Until I have figured a way through the dastardly mesh, I am thus resigned to the status quo. #2 has been rather overplaying her hand with regards to the hissing and general grumpiness. I’m beginning to wonder if her air of carefully constructed stupidity is more than an act, and that she is actually dumber than a bag of hammers. I have overheard the Humans refer to her as such but I thought it was just a way for them to differentiate between us.
I must retreat to my Secret Hideaway to ponder this disturbing development.
Early Spring, yada, yada, yada – Agent #2 (cont.)
#1 has been acting even more oddly than usual. I caught her giving me the side eye earlier today instead of the usual dismissive glance. Is something apaw? The plan to breach the mesh wall seems to have been shelved for the time being, which is fine by me. I’m just happy to sit on the sill and look at the pretty flowers. The animals Outside all seem to be rushing around a lot – watching them is exhausting! Why do they not just get some Human to take them Inside and give them paté and niblets? Idiots.
Perhaps it is better for a luxurious cat such as myself to remain Inside with the Humans at my beck and call. I mean, what if I don’t like the taste of squirrel? What if I’m “sparrow intolerant”? I’ll waste away! Just thinking about it is making me feel hungry. Maybe I can irritate the Humans into offering an extra snack-ette or two?
That bloody squirrel has it coming though…
