During a recent visit to my psychiatrist (or rather his assistant – huh!) I was told that it might be helpful if I wrote down the things that trigger my anxiety and stress – thereby confronting and ultimately overcoming them. Thinking about it later, my first thought was that it would take up a lot of paper; and secondly, that it would make an interesting blog post – if only for the reason that it would give you, gentle reader, a peek into what goes on in my peculiar little mind…
So, if you’ll indulge me, I shall begin my therapy:
“New Year, New You..?” I Think Not…
That was the last time Bob tried Zumba on ice…
What is it about the turning of a new year that makes people feel like they need to get in shape and start exercising? It’s the middle of freaking winter for God’s sake! I don’t know about you, but the last thing I want to do when it is freezing and wet is eat minuscule salads and fight with other desperate, sweaty people over the next machine in the gym. It’s sleeting outside! Yay, let’s go for a run…I think not!
Wouldn’t it make more sense to wait until Easter? Spring is around the corner, temperatures are rising, flowers are blooming – surely a better time to improve oneself. I think people would be happier all round if they weren’t bombarded with messages about how fat and ugly they are straight out of the holiday season. It smacks of a puritanical need to punish oneself for having fun. Screw that!
Even Jesus didn’t rise again until Easter…
If I was in charge, I would ban all diet/exercise/cleansing/self-improvement ads until the end of March, at the earliest. If anyone tells you that they are on a juice cleanse and the clocks haven’t gone forwards, you would be legally obligated to slap that person very hard. It is Wintertime. We should be hibernating. Like bears.
To Shoppe, or not to Shoppe…
Chaucer was known for his love of chimichangas
OK, I get it, marketing people. It looks like an Olde English word steeped in history adding gravitas and, dare I say it, class. But it isn’t and it doesn’t.
Yes, Chaucer may have used that spelling a couple of times, but by the 19th century the spelling was already regarded as an affectation. Oh, and if you’re going to use that word, then at least go the whole hog and say “Ye Olde Shoppes of Soggye Bottome” or whatever. Be bold! Own that pretentious shit! Make me feel like I have just stepped back into medieval England and all its bucolic delights, like filth and pestilence, instead of a crappy strip mall anchored to a Wal-Mart.
Infused Water? WTF Whole Foods!?
Among my growing list of peeves about Whole Foods, is the appearance of “infused water” on their shelves. Have you seen these? Clear plastic bottles of water with bits in. Bits of fruit. Bits of vegetables. Bits of herbs. For $3.99!! I think that Whole Foods is just taking the piss now – “let’s fill up some empty bottles with tap water and drop the stuff left over from the pre-packed produce in it…they’ll never know…”
Bits of stuff in murky water? Yum!
Did I mention they are charging $3.99 for this?
I have to say though, that their audacity is impressive. That’s just balls-out saying that they think their customers are too stupid to drop half a lime into a jug of water. You mean you can do that? Wow! Thanks, Whole Foods! Just in time for my winter cleanse…(slap!)
You know, I’m feeling better already! This writing stuff down lark seems to be working. How about I finish up this session on a positive note?
Here are some uplifting quotations – you’re welcome!
“Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us and sometime they win.” Stephen King.
“Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.” Edgar Allen Poe.
“I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.” Flannery O’Connor.
“By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes…” William Shakespeare – Macbeth
“She’s mad but she’s magic. There’s no lie in her fire.” Charles Bukowski.
Until our next session…
BethR
the yarn manipulation group has begun meeting at whole foods. on monday before heading upstairs, i peeked at their prepackaged foods and began to select a handful of vegetarian asian dumplings. until i turned it over and saw it priced at $9. even at a restaurant, it would be be maybe $6.
Andrea Post author
I know right! Totally taking the piss!