Sir Icarus del Sol – Physical Center of the Solar System. He Who Must Be Obeyed.
Mercury – Tanned, self-centered, fitness enthusiast. Over – compensates for lack of stature.
Venus – Curvaceous, blonde, self-help guru. Multi-Platinum winner of “Shapeliest Orbit in the Galaxy”.
Earth – Petulant, whiny, adolescent. Habit of trying to hit other planets with bits of garbage.
Mars – Florid, stony-faced, argumentative. Secretly writes romantic fiction.
Jupiter – Huge, imposing, father of countless satellites and rocks. Accompanied by his planet-sized Galilean moons, Europa, Io, Ganymede and Callisto. Makes a mean apple pie.
Saturn – Glamorous, mysterious, chanteuse. Originator of the “If You Like It, Put A Ring On It” campaign.
Uranus & Neptune – Sulky, sarcastic, brothers. Secretly hate one another.
Pluto – Recently demoted to Dog.
(Additional material provided by select members of the Kuiper Belt).
While the Galaxy is generally in good shape and expanding at the required rate, it has come to Sir Icarus’ attention that there appears to be more than the recommended amount of debris floating around. While space can accommodate a certain amount of detritus, one member – specifically Earth – is using up much more than their allotted quota. When asked for a response, Earth explained that she couldn’t help it, and that as the only planet (as far as she knows) with intelligent life, she should be allowed more room to express herself. She also observed that some of the complainants were just jealous because they were too cold and dark to sustain any kind of life.
At this point, Uranus and Neptune declared that the life on Earth did not seem to be very intelligent judging by the crappy tinfoil spaceships they kept lobbing around. Earth responded by making an obscene gesture and flinging a piece of space junk at them. Two of Jupiter’s Galilean moons, Europa and Ganymede, started chanting, “Fight! Fight! Fight!”, until their father grabbed them roughly by their axes and shoved them back in their orbits.
Sir Icarus called for order.
With order restored, Mars declared that Earth should also be penalized for trying to “get in his business” by allowing her inhabitants to poke and prod him in an unseemly fashion. Venus remarked that it had been a long time since anyone had poked and prodded her, causing Saturn to drily respond that it was probably because her carbon dioxide smoothies made her a big ball of toxic gas.
“Oooh burn!” Mercury gasped as he did laps of the conference room. Venus glared at Saturn and pointed out that her rings made her axis look fat. Earth, Uranus and Neptune started giggling. “Double Burn!” crowed Mercury, between pushups, “Muy Caliente!”
Suddenly – his gravitational power keeping his moons firmly in their orbits – mighty Jupiter stepped into the fray. He observed that, as the largest member of the Solar System (after Sir Icarus, of course!), he should have the most amount of space and be permitted to destroy any debris that entered into his orbit. “I have enough to deal with just keeping my moons in order,” he boomed, “The last thing I need is pointless bits of garbage flung at me. Apart from anything, it irritates my Big Red Spot, and that much ointment doesn’t come cheap!”
Saturn added that constantly batting away bits of space junk affected the calibration of her rings and jeopardized her singing voice. Uranus and Neptune muttered that the junk could only improve her singing, provoking Saturn to bang them together with an irritated swoosh of her outer rings. Venus then piped up that Earth was also too noisy – the constant squabbling among the inhabitants was ruining her beauty sleep. Mars agreed, pointing out that the racket had made his creative juices dry up, resulting in a severe case of dusty eczema, and chronic writer’s block.
It was then that Pluto woke up from his nap and began running around the room begging for someone to throw a stick for him to catch. “Maybe Earth can throw some junk for him,” Mars smirked. “Well, maybe I will!” retorted Earth.
Sir Icarus called for order again.
The meeting was brought to a close by everyone agreeing that Earth needed to cut down on her pollution of the galaxy, and that the only time she was allowed to fling space junk was if Pluto was within distance to catch and return it. Glowering, Earth returned to her orbit, muttering darkly about “stitch ups” and revenge.