Previously: After failing to halt the advance of the Tangerine Terror known as Trump, (mainly due to a mad plot by the Seven Deadly Sins), the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse returned to their previous lives, causing murder and mayhem throughout the World. However, recent catastrophic events have stirred suspicion that they may have exceeded their remit…
The Four Horsemen – Pestilence, Famine, War and Death – were watching the wild, (and yes!) apocalyptic-type events, that were tearing through the West, when their phones simultaneously starting ringing.
“It’s the Boss,” said Death unnecessarily, “I guess he’s mad about something.”
“No shit,” muttered Famine, through a mouthful of pizza.
God, for it was indeed The Lord, informed them he was heading over “for a little chat” and would be there momentarily. No sooner had he rung off than there was a flash of lightning, accompanied by a loud trumpeting and God stood before them in all His dazzling glory.
The Horsemen looked up, nonplussed.
“What’s up, guys?” said God, “Why the long faces?”
“Just watching the news,” said Pestilence, “What’s going on Big Guy? Why all the sturn und drang in the West? What’s with the Fires and Floods?”
“What do you mean? I thought that was you guys!”
War snorted: “Don’t blame me! I’m working my ass off in the Mid East. As usual.”
“Me too!” added Famine. Pestilence nodded vigorously in agreement.
God turned to Death. “What about you?” He asked, “You’re suspiciously quiet.”
Death shrugged his bony shoulders; “Business as usual,” he replied, “Just a bit of an uptick that’s all. It’s seasonal.”
“But the storms are so large and powerful this year,” God said, frowning, “Someone decided to turn the dial up to eleven.”
“It’s the People,” Famine explained, “They over build, over plant, and don’t take care of their stuff. It was bound to happen eventually. By the way, have you talked to the Lucifer yet? I wouldn’t be surprised if this was all his doing. Remember the Election?”
God shook his head, “Not yet; I wanted to make sure that it wasn’t anything on our side before I started throwing things around Down There. No point in aggravating things.”
“We’re busy enough,” Death said, picking up his scythe, “Speaking of, I’ve got an appointment, gotta dash.” He shuffled off in a haze of dust and nacho powder.
The Devil was puzzled. He had just got off the phone with God and was trying to parse the information he had received. All the turmoil in the Land – the floods and fires – he had assumed was the work of the Guy Upstairs and his Horsemen – frustrated with the establishment of the Orange Menace in the Seat of Ultimate Power, and looking to scare up a bit of Faith. With a flick of his forked tail, Lucifer tapped his intercom.
“Susan, will you get Ignorance and Hypocrisy in here,” he hissed, “Tell them it’s time for their Annual Review.”
After what felt like an insultingly long time, there was a knock on the door and two large, shapeless creatures shuffled into the room. Lucifer regarded them with a loathsome stare.
“It seems that you two have been putting in rather a lot of hours lately,” he said eventually, “I wonder if there was any reason for that.”
“I seem to be very popular at the moment,” Ignorance said, with a certain amount of satisfaction, “It’s really annoying both Logic and Reason. I thought you would be pleased.”
“Under normal circumstances, I would be thrilled,” the Devil replied, “But your influence is starting to look a bit too obvious, and you know that I prefer to operate on the Down Low, as it were.”
“Well, you can’t have it both ways,” Hypocrisy said, without a hint of irony, “Either the People believe in you, or they don’t, and Ignorance is the best at getting them to fall in line.”
“Plus,” added Ignorance with a smirk, “The Guy Upstairs doesn’t really care for Logic or Reason either – I should know! He just doesn’t want to be blamed for all the turmoil.”
“Although, you would have thought He would have appreciated all our efforts,” said Hypocrisy slyly, “more flock to the fold and all that.”
“Nevertheless,” Lucifer said, trying to assert some authority, “I wonder if you could tone it down a bit – there’s no point in drawing too much attention – the more they blame the Wrath of God for their Natural Disasters, the more time I have in undermining Beliefs and Institutions…which reminds me…” The Devil poked at the intercom again; “Susan! Ask Hitler to come to my office later; I need to congratulate him on the term ‘alt-right’ – it seems to have caught on.”
Ignorance coughed delicately; “I also think you should thank me for that little job as well.” he murmured.
“Duly noted,” Lucifer replied.
Thus censured, Ignorance and Hypocrisy left the Devil alone with his thoughts.